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My son’s wife blocked me from her Ph.D. celebration

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Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law just completed her Ph.D. I am very proud of her. She has worked hard for many years to accomplish this goal.

I asked to take her and our son out to dinner to celebrate. My son informed me that, while they appreciate the sentiment, they would rather not.

I was a bit miffed to be rejected because I know that they were celebrating with her parents. My son finally confessed that our daughter-in-law has felt “unsupported” by me in her pursuit of the Ph.D.

I routinely asked after her Ph.D. studies, and she often responded with something like, “I’m stressed about [this or that].”

My typical response was to tell her that I was sure that she would do just great at whatever it was. I thought I was being supportive, but apparently she heard this as, “You are complaining over nothing and it is wrong for you to be stressed.”

At this point, we seem to be at an awkward impasse.

Am I wrong to be hurt and insulted? I think she was being very oversensitive to interpret my comments in such a negative light.

Also, in all of these years, she has never said anything to me about it. Now I find that I’ve committed the high crime of telling her that I thought she would succeed.

Am I missing something?

The Termagant

Dear Termagant: Your feelings are justified.

Your son has been honest with you regarding his wife’s sensitivities. Some people regard any feedback – even positive feedback – as a critique, when they believe they are only venting. This is immature and frustrating.

I suggest that you communicate directly with your DIL. Tell her judiciously what your son has explained to you, and ask if you two can have a “reset.” Maintain an open attitude, don’t resort to sarcasm, listen intently, and do your very best to understand her feelings, and communicate your own.

Dear Amy: I’m part of a group of women friends who met in college, 50 years ago. We got back in touch 20 years ago and now meet a few times a year.

At first, conversation was varied, with personal updates, talk about current events, shared book recommendations, etc.

Very quickly, this changed to conversation that is nearly 100 percent about children.

I’m an independent gal with no children. It’s not what I anticipated, but I’m happy with my life, especially with my fulfilling career.



Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law just completed her Ph.D. I am very proud of her. She has worked hard for many years to accomplish this goal.

I asked to take her and our son out to dinner to celebrate. My son informed me that, while they appreciate the sentiment, they would rather not.

I was a bit miffed to be rejected because I know that they were celebrating with her parents. My son finally confessed that our daughter-in-law has felt “unsupported” by me in her pursuit of the Ph.D.

I routinely asked after her Ph.D. studies, and she often responded with something like, “I’m stressed about [this or that].”

My typical response was to tell her that I was sure that she would do just great at whatever it was. I thought I was being supportive, but apparently she heard this as, “You are complaining over nothing and it is wrong for you to be stressed.”

At this point, we seem to be at an awkward impasse.

Am I wrong to be hurt and insulted? I think she was being very oversensitive to interpret my comments in such a negative light.

Also, in all of these years, she has never said anything to me about it. Now I find that I’ve committed the high crime of telling her that I thought she would succeed.

Am I missing something?

The Termagant

Dear Termagant: Your feelings are justified.

Your son has been honest with you regarding his wife’s sensitivities. Some people regard any feedback – even positive feedback – as a critique, when they believe they are only venting. This is immature and frustrating.

I suggest that you communicate directly with your DIL. Tell her judiciously what your son has explained to you, and ask if you two can have a “reset.” Maintain an open attitude, don’t resort to sarcasm, listen intently, and do your very best to understand her feelings, and communicate your own.

Dear Amy: I’m part of a group of women friends who met in college, 50 years ago. We got back in touch 20 years ago and now meet a few times a year.

At first, conversation was varied, with personal updates, talk about current events, shared book recommendations, etc.

Very quickly, this changed to conversation that is nearly 100 percent about children.

I’m an independent gal with no children. It’s not what I anticipated, but I’m happy with my life, especially with my fulfilling career.

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